Trauma and Attachment Styles: Why We Hold On Too Long

Studies are now showing that those with insecure attachments often:

• Stay preoccupied with their partner
• Minimize negative partner traits
• Idealize their partner
• Remain anxious until their partner returns

This often results in staying in relationships that do not provide security far longer than necessary.

Is This Codependence?

No. According to new MRI studies, attaching is normal and necessary.

Research shows the health benefits of being in a secure attachment, including:

• Lower risk of heart disease
• Better ability to manage stress

It’s not attachment itself that’s the problem—it’s the way we attach to our partner (our secure base).

Attachment Styles After Trauma

For those who have experienced trauma, adults typically develop one of three attachment styles:

• Insecure/Anxious – Preoccupied with a partner and overly needing their attention.
• Avoidant/Distant – Unconcerned with having a partner, sometimes worshipping independence to the point of avoiding relationships.
• Disorganized – Struggling to trust or attach, often due to extreme childhood neglect or abuse.

The Solution: Seek Secure Attachment

The key is to become aware of trauma-attachment styles and consciously seek out securely attached partners.

We are biologically wired to need a partner who:

• Supports us
• Loves us
• Creates security for us
• Insecure attachments can lead to neurosis in relationships.
• Avoidant styles often lead to avoiding relationships altogether.
• But—when either of these attachment styles meets a secure partner, there is potential for healing, trust, and safety.

Why Secure Attachment Matters

From the moment we are born, we need to attach to our mother, father, or primary caregiver. In adulthood, we continue to need attachment with a safe and secure partner.

If we’ve developed trauma-related attachment styles, the challenge is to:

• Avoid pairing with others who have the same trauma attachment style
• Avoid pairing with the opposite trauma attachment style

In either case, we won’t get what we truly need and may hold on too long—or give up on relationships altogether.

A Gentle First Step: Pets as Secure Attachment

This, of course, is easier said than done.

A wonderful place to start for healing trauma attachment is with a pet.

• For those with avoidant attachment, pets provide a safe, low-risk way to practice secure attachment.
• For those with insecure attachment, pets provide calming reassurance and unconditional presence.

Give it a try—you might really love it.

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